Acronyms: DPR (Staff Development And Performance Review)

'Well, I know it's all relative but doesn't time fly? If I were the slightest bit nostalgic, I think I might cry.'

'You what?'

'I said,' she said tersely, ' if I were sentimental I may just shed a tear. It's come around again so fast; it's already that time of year. Seems only last week I received that ridiculous letter: 'you've done alright, but you could've done better'.'

'Oh, I get it. I'm with you. You're talking DPR . . .'

'Indeed I am. DPR: the idiot mechanism by which management purports to identify who's the real star.'

'So, I gather you weren't the recipient of a thousand-pound bonus last year? Our salaries are performance-related; the DPR's important. You do realise that don't you, oh dear, my dear?'

'Indeed I do and I wasn't, you know. I wasn't, though it seems to me somewhat queer. Of course, I took issue with the decision. I contacted the Dean. I quoted Lyndon Johnson. I fear I vented my spleen.'

'I'm sorry but you'll have to cite the reference; I don't believe I know the quote. Tell me what you told the Dean, then I may know what it is you mean. You know, for a fact, you always already have my vote.'

'Lyndon Johnson, former President of the USA: I wrote the Dean what he'd been quoted to say: 'if one morning I walked on top of the water across the Potomac River, the headline that afternoon would read "President Can't Swim".' I pointed out that to claim I'd only 'met expectations' made him - the Dean, not Johnson - look a bit dim. On a fractional post, I'd achieved far more than my remit. Working over-time, evenings and weekends, I'd say I saved the department from going arse-over-tit.'

'So, what happened next? What did he do?'

'He readily accepted that I'd 'exceeded expectations' and he re-worded the letter. He made it officially clear that I'd actually done better; done better than what is stated in my job description, my remit. But it didn't change a single thing: not one little bit. Apparently the faculty had already spent its budget. Nominal congratulations were possible but, basically, they had to fudge it.  I'd exceeded expectations but that meant nothing, honey. The result was I still got no extra money.'

Photo: Mike Berry