Sag's Auf Deutsch (29)

SAG'S AUF DEUTSCH (29)

I know, she shouted incensed exasperated, I've heard it all before. 

They looked at her quite disappointed. 

Backpfeifengesichter, she thought uncharitably.

Sag's Auf Deutsch (28)

SAG'S AUF DEUTSCH (28)

If I could just remember what's important, she said, aber, ich kann mich nicht erinnern . . .

So we sit below a threatening storm and wait impatiently for each other to stop talking, so that we can start recounting our pasts too.

But the important things aren't in the past, she said. Epiphanies are now.

Sag's Auf Deutsch (27)

SAG'S AUF DEUTSCH (27)

Sag's Auf Deutsch (26)

SAG'S AUF DEUTSCH (26)

Ich habe dich unheimlich gern(e)

Uncanny.

Sag's Auf Deutsch (25)

SAG'S AUF DEUTSCH (25)

You can't suppress people for long, he said.

Reise über die stille Seite, antwortete ich.

Wild, he said.

Sag's Auf Deutsch (24)

SAG'S AUF DEUTSCH (24)

My dear friend said to me, a good friend is the one with whom you can discuss the times when you weren't a good friend.

When you really didn't like each other.

Also, heute wurde ich wieder Freunde mit einem guten Freund.

(Richtig oder nein?)

Sag's Auf Deutsch (23)

SAG'S AUF DEUTSCH (23)

So, who's the problem here? 

He seemed certain. 

Ganz bestimmt. 

Ich glaube nicht, dachte ich.  But when all's said and done, how can we ever know? 

Sag's Auf Deutsch (22)

SAG'S AUF DEUTSCH (22)

Ergo, Gott sei Dank für meinen unsichtbaren Freund. 

(Accusative, I think.)

Sag's Auf Deutsch (21)

SAG'S AUF DEUTSCH (21)

Headphones, old tunes: I'm so tired of being lonely (und so weiter). 

Then, I watched Dicte - Crime Reporter on All 4 - On Demand. (Strong women, strong men and they still manage happy endings.)

Leider, unglücklicherweise, bedauerlicherweise bin ich faul.

Sag's Auf Deutsch (20)

SAG'S AUF DEUTSCH (20)

Das gibt mich nichts an, they all said simultaneously and turned towards the window. 

Sag's Auf Deutsch (19)

SAG'S AUF DEUTSCH (19)

Ich habe zwei Jahre . . . 

What (Was)?

I was trying to say, Two years to negotiate my way out of Britain from the moment they trigger Article 50.

Really?

Ja. Wirklich.

Sag's Auf Deutsch (18)

SAG'S AUF DEUTSCH (18)

Some useful post-referendum phrases (and let's face it, es ist eine schöne Scheiße)

Er ist verrückt. Er hat eine Schraube locker. Er hat nicht alle Tassen im Schrank. Er ist ein Lügner.

Er lügt wie gedruckt. Er lügt ohne mit den Augen zu zucken.

Sag's Auf Deutsch (17)

SAG'S AUF DEUTSCH (17)

So, tell me about yourself, he said as he ensnared her with his stare. 

(What colour are my eyes? she wondered in a panic.)

Must I? she asked. It's all in the telling, after all. I know that. Despite appearances, I'm no fool (even though I have no sense of direction). But I'm sick to death of saying what I know.  Don't you find this living a bore? 

Tell me more, he said, convinced of his own insight, in a righteous kind of way. 

Mein Vater, mein Bruder und mein Partner sind gestorben, she said. Und meine Mutter ist verwirrt.

He looked a bit uneasy, but she was comfortable with the truth. She often said it to herself.

Sag's Auf Deutsch (16)

SAG'S AUF DEUTSCH (16)

Willst du mich heiraten? he asked.

Of course, I said

Regardless of what happens on the 23rd of June.

Sag's Auf Deutsch (15)

SAG'S AUF DEUTSCH (15)

The memory is cruel. It reminds there's no one new (Red Russian again).

It reminds those around you - when you lose it - there really is nothing new.  Just the same old thoughts circling round like vultures: concentric eccentric idiosyncratic circles. 

Closing in. 

Nothing new. 

Never again.

The memory is really cruel.

Sag's Auf Deutsch (14)

SAG'S AUF DEUTSCH (14)

She's not coming home tonight. She says that she's left forever. The memory is cruel, he said. 

Stop that Russian Red, I said in response. I'm still here aren't I? And, yes, the memories are cruel. They haunt me. But, it seems like I can't find a way to go. I'm now thinking Tel Aviv, though.

Are you mad? he said. It was something he always said. When she couldn't read a map, or failed to read his mind.

It made her laugh.

Sag's Auf Deutsch (13)

SAG'S AUF DEUTSCH (13)

And your sleep will never be as good as it used to be when the one you love is gone, said the Red Russian (as I watched Inside Love with my headphones on).

What time will you be home I wanted him to ask, but of that he'd never presume. He assumed I knew my own mind.

Back soon, I said and walked swiftly on, whistling quietly to myself.

Sag's Auf Deutsch (12)

SAG'S AUF DEUTSCH (12)

The birdsong wakes me up each morning,  even before the radio's set to come on, she said.  And, then, in the evening, the pipistrelle bats . . . 

Sounds like D H Lawrence, he said, all knowing. 

Does everything have to refer to something else? she asked (predominantly to herself) before cutting her hair and beginning to remember who she might once have been.

Sag's Auf Deutsch (11)

SAG'S AUF DEUTSCH (11)

But the hours, the hours, she said (as she made a mental note not to kill off her protagonist. Not yet).  For they are long, it has to be said and I’m not quite sure what one does with them. 

Oh, how I long for my own bed, she said (and he said it also, like an echo).

But, then, she added, I made my own bed. It is, after all, up to me to lie in it. 

Ich liebe mein Bett, he said in response. His enthusiasm had always been ill-considered and infectious.

Sag's Auf Deutsch (10)

SAG'S AUF DEUTSCH (10)

Also (Deutsch). So (English). The moral is: always sleep alone?

Probably, I said. And you can ring out the old and bring in the new but somehow I prefer the ancient regime: the old timers, and not the new rule.

Sag's Auf Deutsch (9)

SAG'S AUF DEUTSCH (9)

I want to see you, he said. I want to see you, as he pulled a pillow over her head and held it there until she suffocated. Dead.

Sie ist gestorben, said my tutor.

Sag's Auf Deutsch (8)

SAG'S AUF DEUTSCH (8)

Oedipus died and his sister went under.  Most likely Antigone, but, let's call her Persephone.  Six months here and six months there, etc. 

Hola, he said, as he set his sights on killing her.  

Was machen wir jetzt? she asked.  Apparently oblivious.

Sag's Auf Deutsch (7)

SAG'S AUF DEUTSCH (7)

So, here we are - just a few hours from freedom and the good life.

(Blackthorn - An Elegant And Mannered Western - 2011, 98 Mins Approx, English, Colour, 16.9, Dolby Digital, 5.1, CFDVO35.)

He didn't need subtitles.

In the film I'd have knee-capped him but, instead, I believed him.

Sag's Auf Deutsch (6)

SAG'S AUF DEUTSCH (6)

When I awoke I was still bereft. Nothing was different. Except I knew that there was no point in staying.

Mann lernt nicht für den Lehrer, man lernt für es Leben, she had said.

I concur. 

Sag's Auf Deutsch (5)

SAG'S AUF DEUTSCH (5)

The third wife said to the younger daughter, I don't think he ever quite forgave his father. Or, rather. I don't think your father forgave him.

It killed him.

At least not Oedipus, then, I said. And, for the record, he forgot to call his mother.

I can't breathe, said the man with subtitles.

Macht nichts, I replied. I've always hated the smell of things.

Sag's Auf Deutsch (4)

SAG'S AUF DEUTSCH (4)

What does the number mean? said another voice. And, when did it all go wrong?

1969 or 1999. The number's not important. It all comes down to colour and form. The texture of things.

Bollocks, he said (in subtitles).  But, did your mother call again?

Of course I answered.

Oedipus, call your mother, said another voice. That was a joke.

Sag's Auf Deutsch (3)

SAG'S AUF DEUTSCH (3)

I moved forward to kiss him, felt the weight of his body against mine. Felt an overwhelming joy like I'd never felt before.

How I loved him.

We can't do this, he said. I'm dead.

That smile.

And, when he spoke it was in another language with English subtitles at the bottom of the frame.

Burnt into my brain.

Sag's Auf Deutsch (2)

SAG'S AUF DEUTSCH (2)

When he died it was hell - real hell. But I kept thinking: soon it will be over and then he'll come back.  Once we're over the shock. Once we'd all got through it.

And then we would try harder - the second time around - to make everything so much better.

Sag's Auf Deutsch

SAG'S AUF DEUTSCH

It’s about grief and memory and the temptation to forget. It’s about three real men and a host of imaginary auxiliaries. It’s about a host of living auxiliaries, too.  And it starts with a film – a strange mess of a film, but a compelling film nonetheless.

I was at a loose end, you see. 

And (4)

AND (4)

And (3)

AND (3) 

And (2)

AND (2)

And (1)

AND (1)

Campingplatz (4)

CAMPINGPLATZ (4)

Campingplatz (3)

CAMPINGPLATZ (3) 

Campingplatz (2)

CAMPINGPLATZ (2)

Campingplatz (1)

CAMPINGPLATZ (1)

Kaffee Klatsch (5)

KAFFEE KLATSCH (5) 

'Have you finished?' I said, and the Bitch scratched her head. 

'Well, perhaps, for the moment. Why not? But you don't really seem to have that much to say. Are you stupid? Or, have you forgot?'

'Forgot what?' I asked.

'It's the way of the world.

It's the new currency: 

Self-narration, inflation,

That's it.

You'd be lost without me.

I'm your Melancholy.

And, without me you're nothing,

You're . . .  '

'I liked living in Germany,' I interrupted. 'I know I can't erase the past, but I became absorbed in the present - the language the culture the magnificent forest - and, for the first time in a long time, it kind of felt okay.'

Kaffee Klatsch (4)

KAFFEE KLATSCH (4)

She continued. . . 

'I'm that dark morning feeling, 

That mean petty scheming

When everything's brought to account

In your head. 

No more dreaming.

You're reeling; believing

Incensed, it's unfair.' 

So she said.

'But you're probably wrong, and I have to confess I might be partly culpable,' she added.

Kaffee Klatsch (3)

KAFFEE KLATSCH (3)

'I am everything sensate 

That makes you feel desperate: 

The tastes and the touches and smells

That trigger your dreams

And unravel the reams

Of unconscious. 

Your deep buried wells.'

I rolled a cigarette and lit it, which is possible - not illegal - in some cafes in Germany.

Kaffee Klatsch (2)

KAFFEE KLATSCH (2)

I got up, went to the loo, returned to my seat. I ordered another coffee and another piece of cheese cake.  She sat there, staring and smiling, her hair knotted, her face frayed. 

'Just who are you?' I said.

'I'm all that constrains you, alarms you, condemns you

'Your sadness and fear and regret.

'I'm your conscience and memory, 

'Psyche and soul.

'Aren't you thrilled that we've - once again - met?'

Kaffee Klatsch (1)

KAFFEE KLATSCH (1)

'Eh up' said the Witch, 'Is this seat free at all? Do you mind if I plonk my arse here? Well, you've cut your hair short and you've got some new shoes. Have you turned back the past, then, my dear?'

I put another piece of cheese cake in my mouth.

'I read all that stuff on erasure and death, that you penned. What a sad one you are. And deluded as well; don't you know that you're damned. You can run but you'll never get far.'

Märchen (10)

MÄRCHEN (10)

'This was her work, to disappear from all her former venues of aspect and bearing and to become a blankness, a body slate erased of every past resemblance.'

(DeLillo, The Body Artist, 84)

Märchen (9)

MÄRCHEN (9)

'Now she was counting the hours until evening, and was alarmed to find how many there still were. How odd that was - you needed so little time to say goodbye, everything seemed worthless when you knew you couldn't take it with you. A kind of drowsiness came over her.'

(Zweig, Fear, 93)

Märchen (8)

MÄRCHEN (8)

'It felt like home, being here, and she raced through the days with their small ravishing routines, days the same, paced and organized but with a simultaneous wallow, uncentred, sometimes blank in places, days that moved so slow they ached.'

(DeLillo, The Body Artist, 32)

Märchen (7)

MÄRCHEN (7)

'All the man's great themes funnelled down to local grief, one body, out there somewhere, or not.'

(DeLillo, Point Omega, 124)